


Your Own Truth

by mooniemurphy



Category: Rise - Fandom, Rise NBC
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Closeted Character, F/M, Light Angst, M/M, Religious Guilt, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-25 06:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14373180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooniemurphy/pseuds/mooniemurphy
Summary: Jeremy just wants Simon to be honest.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I found a thing to ship, and so I did a thing. Leave comments and all that cool stuff. I'm in constant need of the ego boosts.

Rehearsals are both the best and worst part of Jeremy’s day-- in one respect, he loves it, because he loves the stage. He loves the people he gets to work with, because they’re amazing, and he’s made some really close friends throughout this whole journey, including Robbie Thorne, the football superstar, who he had never thought he’d even speak to, let alone sort of be friends with. There’s also Michael and Maashous, both of whom he already adores. He loves this show, he loves the message of this show, and, if he’s honest, he really loves the role of Ernst. There’s something that he can relate to in it, and that’s what makes Jeremy look forward to being in rehearsal every night.

On the other hand, there’s Simon Saunders. And he doesn’t know where he stands with Simon Saunders. Simon is the single most talented person Jeremy knows. He sings like an angel, he’s adorable, and he can act; the scenes they do together feel real, almost too real, like it’s more than just Hanschen and Ernst, like there’s some real feeling behind it. Jeremy doesn’t know where they draw the line, and he doesn’t know if it’s just him, if there’s more---  
And they’ve kissed. Outside of rehearsal, they’ve kissed, and it felt good. At least to Jeremy.

It was Jeremy who started it, Jeremy who kissed Simon, and then Simon ran, and now Jeremy isn’t sure where the two of them stand. He’s forced to watch Simon with Annabelle, his girlfriend, during rehearsal every day, and he probably complains a little too much to Michael and Maashous, and he can feel them both getting progressively more amused and annoyed as the days pass and nothing changes. He wants to shut himself up and stop himself from complaining about it, but he can’t. The words come out before he can stop them.

He can’t help but feel that it’s not… that Simon isn’t as interested in Annabelle as she is in him, and that makes the truth even more important; even if Simon isn’t interested in him, he has no right to be leading Annabelle on like he is. If he is. It’s confusing. Jeremy is conflicted. Is it selfish to keep pushing this in the hopes that he’s right? Is it worse to let Simon continue with the charade? Unless it’s not a lie, and then that’s just a different story that makes Jeremy a different level of bad person.

He hates not knowing. He needs to know.

“Lillette,” Jeremy calls, jogging down the hall to catch up with her as they leave rehearsal one night. She pauses, and Robbie, who is walking with her, pauses too. They’re a cute couple, but he needs to talk to Lillette alone, which is why he gives her a pointed look. “Can I talk to you?” he asks, and she glances at Robbie, who holds up his hands and leaves to give them some space. “It’s about Simon.”

Jeremy and Lillette aren’t close. Aside from this show, they aren’t friends. He’s probably pushing boundaries in asking her about this. He’s not sure he could stop himself even if he wanted to. He doesn’t really want to.

“Ah,” Lillette replies, like she knows, and there’s definitely a chance that she does know already, crossing her arms over her chest. “I don’t think I’m the person to talk to--”

“You’re his best friend.” Interrupting is rude, he knows, but this is an important matter. If she’s not the person to talk to, he doesn’t know who is. She knows Simon better than anyone else. 

Lillette exhales a sigh and then nods. “Okay. What do you need?”

“Does he… I mean, do you guys talk about me?” Jeremy asks, fully aware that it probably sounds desperate and a little creepy, but he’s tried talking to Simon, and all Simon does is run away from it. So maybe this is the only way to get some of the answers that he wants.

“Jeremy--”

“Lillette,” he presses firmly, desperately.

“You have to understand something about Simon, Jeremy. His family is very devout Catholic. To the point where they tried to make him transfer schools just because he’s playing Hanschen in the musical. If he did… end up having feelings for another boy, it wouldn’t be good for him. So if there’s something that he isn’t telling you, there’s probably a reason.”

“I understand that,” Jeremy replies, and Lillette laughs, shaking her head. She looks sympathetic. She sounds sympathetic. She definitely knows what Jeremy feels, and she definitely knows more about Simon than she’s letting on. But Jeremy understands that it’s not really Lillette’s place to tell him.

“When he’s ready, he’ll talk to you.”

“But he does… talk about me?” Jeremy hedges, and Lillette lays her hand on his bicep and squeezes it gently, offering a little bit of comfort that Jeremy is exceedingly grateful for. He hadn’t been aware how much he needed that little bit of comfort; she’s the only person he hasn’t driven insane with his complaining yet. 

“Goodnight, Jeremy,” Lillette answers, but she’s mirroring his soft grin as she turns to walk away, and that, he thinks, is almost answer enough.


	2. Chapter 2

“Alright, guys, we’re going to start off running the reprise of Word of Your Body,” Mr. Mazzu begins as he walks into the auditorium for rehearsal, and Jeremy glances to where Simon is sitting with Lillette and Annabelle automatically. He can see the tension in Simon’s shoulders, and he exhales a quiet sigh. Of course. It’s probably the most important scene for the both of them, and it’s clear Simon doesn’t even want to do it.

“We aren’t doing the kiss tonight, are we?” Simon asks, and Jeremy wants to grit his teeth at the clear relief on Simon’s face when Mr. Mazzu says that they aren’t.

“You’ll have to kiss me sometime,” he mutters as they set for the start of the scene. “Are you sure you want that to be opening night?”

“If you can’t be professional-”

“I can be professional,” Jeremy interrupts, turning to face Simon. He’s acutely aware of how close they’re standing, of the faint pink in Simon’s cheeks. “Can you?”

“It’s just a scene,” Simon replies quietly, pushing back to put some distance between them, and Jeremy sighs, glancing over at where Lillette has moved, now sitting with Robbie, Michael, and Maashous. Lillette just shrugs, and Michael looks a little too amused for his own good, and Jeremy simultaneously loves and hates them all.

“Jeremy, Simon, are we good to go?” Mr. Mazzu calls, raising an eyebrow at them, like he knows that there’s something happening, and Simon nods. Jeremy doesn’t respond, just gets into place for the scene. He wishes they could just do the kiss, he wishes that they could get the feelings or lack-thereof out in the open. He wishes it didn’t matter as much as it clearly does.

The scene runs terribly, and he knows he’s not the only one who realizes that. Simon is tense through the whole thing and looks highly uncomfortable, nothing like the outstanding actor they all know he is. He misses lines, and he misses notes, and Jeremy can feel the increasing agitation from their cast mates. This is something they should already have down; Simon is the last person who should be messing up so badly. He’s the best actor they have.

“Simon, what’s going on?” Ms. Wolfe asks in yet another pause where one of Simon’s lines is supposed to be. “You know this.”

“I’m sorry,” Simon mutters, and then he’s up, and he’s walking off the stage like he’d rather be anywhere else. 

“Simon--”

“I got it,” Jeremy cuts in before Lillette can follow her best friend, standing up to follow Simon from the auditorium. Dimly, he hears Mr. Mazzu call for Blue Wind/Don’t Do Sadness, which, yeah. That’s good, they should definitely move onto a scene that he and Simon aren’t part of, let Michael and Gwen work on their chemistry and everything. He’s not sure what’s going to happen with himself and Simon.. “Simon, wait.”

“Why are you following me?” Simon demands, wheeling around to face Jeremy, who stops abruptly and takes a small step back. He doesn’t like being a target for Simon’s anger.

“Why did you run out?” he asks in spite of himself.

“I needed some air, I needed to get away from--”

“From me?” Jeremy presses when Simon doesn’t finish the sentence. “Is that it?”

“Why are you pushing me?”

“I’m not. Okay? If you don’t feel this, if you don’t have feelings for me, fine. That’s fine, I can handle that. But you know what? You preach about how important the truth is, and I…” Jeremy sighs, raising his shoulders in a shrug and then letting the drop. All the heat that had been behind his initial rant is gone, and he just exhales a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach.”

“I’m not gay!” Simon retorts instantly.

“Okay. Maybe you’re not gay, and maybe you don’t feel anything for me. Maybe that’s true. But if it’s not, if that’s not the truth, you need to be honest with yourself. I like you, Simon, I think you’re great. I think you’re the most talented person in this school, and you’re an awesome person, but you’re not being honest with yourself. And I wish you could like every part of you as much as I do, because every part of you is awesome, even the parts you’re denying.”

“What do you want from me?” Simon asks, but there’s no heat to it. Just hesitance. Fear. Jeremy sighs, stepping a little closer.

“I want you to live your truth. If this is your truth, if you are straight, if Annabelle is what you want, then fine. I can stay professional, I can walk away. If that’s not the truth, you need to be honest. With yourself, with me, with her.”

There’s silence for a long moment. Simon doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, just continues to stare at Jeremy with a silent fear that shows in his eyes. After a few seconds of nothing, Jeremy moves to turn away.

“Wait,” Simon says, stopping Jeremy before he can leave, and Jeremy stops, turning back to him. After another second of absolutely nothing, Simon pushes forward, and then--

All at once, they’re kissing, and it isn’t Jeremy who initiated it. It’s hesitant and restrained, and it feels like there’s a question behind it. It’s careful, but it’s warm and there’s a little bit of a spark there. And for a moment, it’s enough. 

And then Simon pulls away, his hand curling around Jeremy’s wrist carefully. There’s no space between them, and Simon’s not running away. That’s more than Jeremy had dared to hope for. 

“What was that?” he asks.

“My truth,” Simon answers, and Jeremy smiles. For the moment, it’s enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Jeremy wishes that everything just magically sorted itself out from that moment. It doesn’t. Nothing is that simple, which he realizes abruptly when he walks into school the next morning and sees Annabelle and Simon together at Simon’s locker, and then definitely sees Simon kiss Annabelle. He stops in the doorway, feeling his heart just kind of stop for a moment. He wonders how he looks, because a couple people are staring at him sympathetically. Maybe how into Simon he is is clear. Maybe everyone but Annabelle can see it. 

“Are you okay?” Lillette’s quiet voice asks from behind him, and he becomes aware that she has sort of guided him away from right in front of the door to the school with a gentle hand on his arm.

Jeremy shrugs. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Jeremy, I know how much you like him.”

“Yeah, I think everyone knows how much I like him. Including him, because I told him, last night,” Jeremy tells her. “And then he kissed me. He kissed me and he told me that that was his truth, but now, he’s here, with Annabelle--”

“I’m sorry, Jeremy,” she replies softly, and she sounds like she really is. She probably is, Lillette is a sweet girl. Jeremy likes her, and decides that Robbie Thorne probably doesn’t deserve her. He hopes, for Lillette’s sake, that Robbie proves him wrong.

“Is he even interested in me?” Jeremy mutters hopelessly, deliberately turning away from where Simon and Annabelle are flirting obnoxiously, and walking towards his first period class. Lillette follows, pulling her bag over her shoulder.

“I think his interest in you is exactly the problem. He wouldn’t be trying so hard if he wasn’t,” she answers. “He likes you, and it scares him. And even if, maybe last night, he thought he was ready to handle that… Well, he went home to his dad, and that alone would be enough to make him scared of it all over again.”

“It’s not exactly fair to me or to Annabelle.”

“I’m not disagreeing with you,” Lillette hurries to say as they stop outside of Jeremy’s first hour class. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and shrugs. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“I think that might just make things worse,” he replies.

“Well, I’m on your side. I’ll see you at rehearsal.”

He nods, and she squeezes his arm once before she continues walking down the hall to her first class. Before he can walk into his classroom, Simon and Annabelle walk past, laughing about something. Jeremy doesn’t know what, and he doesn’t want to know. Simon catches his eye as they pass, and then looks away hurriedly, like Jeremy is the one doing something wrong. 

Rolling his eyes, Jeremy sits down at his desk for the start of class. He does know that they’ll have to talk about things at some point, probably sooner rather than later (it’s not selfish, he forces himself to remember, because it’s just as much for Annabelle’s sake that this gets figured out as it is for Jeremy’s). But he isn’t sure what he can say that he hasn’t already said.

At any rate, he certainly isn’t looking forward to rehearsal.

~~

“Simon, can I talk to you?” Jeremy asks as he approaches his scene partner before rehearsals officially start for the day. Annabelle isn’t there yet; in fact, the only other person that is is Sasha, and Jeremy assumes Maashous is around somewhere, but he doesn’t see him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Simon begins hesitantly, and Jeremy raises an eyebrow.

“You kissed me,” he replies bluntly, and Simon’s cheeks flush a deep, dark red, like the very thought of it is too embarrassing to bear. 

“Don’t,” he hisses, grabbing Jeremy’s wrist to pull him towards the backstage area, like there’s actually people there that are going to eavesdrop on what’s being said. With superhuman effort, Jeremy doesn’t roll his eyes, but he desperately wants to. “Don’t say things like that so loud.”

“Say things like what? Like the fact that you’re not straight? Like the fact that you kissed me, and you liked it, and you told me that that was your truth? Why is it that I’m the one that’s doing something wrong here when you’re the one that’s leading both me and Annabelle on right now?”

“Jeremy, it’s not that simple--”

“Actually, it is that simple,” Jeremy cuts in. “You’re too scared to come out of the closet, so you’re going to lead on two people that are both really into you because it makes you more comfortable.”

“Don’t act like I’m the bad guy here.”

“How should I act?”

“This is confusing for me!” Simon snaps, louder than before, and Jeremy falls silent, mouth pressing together in a hard line. “I’ve been told my whole life that being gay is wrong, and I just kind of accepted that. I’d never had feelings for a boy before, and I thought I was just… And now we’re doing these scenes together and--”

“And you’re having feelings?” Jeremy prompts. 

“Yes, I’m having feelings!” Simon answers, and then he closes his mouth, like he’s trying to stop the words from coming out, but they’re there, and he can’t take them back. “Yes,” he repeats, a little quieter. “I have feelings for you. I like doing these scenes with you, and I like being with you, and I liked… kissing you, but that doesn’t make this any less confusing for me, and it would be a lot easier if you would stop trying to force me out of the closet. I don’t even know that I am gay. It might just be… Just be this, the show, with you--”

“Maybe you’re bisexual,” Jeremy allows, because that’s a possibility, but that possibility doesn’t diminish the hope that he feels from the admission. “And that’s fine, and I understand that you’re confused. But what you’re doing, you’re leading Annabelle on, and you’re using her.”

“I have real feelings for Annabelle!”

Jeremy raises his eyebrows, and then just rolls his eyes. He can’t stop himself this time. “I’m not going to force you out of the closet, but I am going to tell you that I don’t believe that for even a second. Does what you feel for her… Match what you feel for me?”

“That’s not fair--”

“What you are doing is not fair,” Jeremy retorts. They’re standing very close suddenly, and Jeremy wants to kiss Simon all over again, but he thinks that that might be counterproductive. Or maybe it’ll be completely productive. He’s not sure just yet. “You can’t keep--”

“Um, guys?” 

Jeremy’s voice cuts off abruptly, and he turns. Michael is standing there, watching them with a knowing look in his eyes. “What’s up, Michael?” Jeremy asks, forcing his voice to sound casual.

“We’re getting ready to start, and Ms. Wolfe wants to run All That’s Known, so we need you two on stage… Unless you need a minute to finish… you know, whatever this is.”

“This is nothing,” Simon replies in a rush of words that Jeremy almost doesn’t catch. “Nothing,” he repeats firmly, and then he’s pushing past them both to head back to the stage. Jeremy exhales a sigh as he watches him walk away. So much for progress.

“He’ll come around,” Michael says, and Jeremy is pulled from his own head to stare at Michael with what is clearly a confused look, because Michael just laughs at him. “I mean, he’ll come around to… you know, all of this. To you. He just needs some time.”

“Does everyone know--”

“That he’s just as into you as you are into him? Yeah, neither of you are all that subtle,” Michael smiles. Jeremy can feel the heat in his cheeks.

“It’s not…”

“You don’t have to explain it to me,” he says, shrugging a shoulder. “Come on. Time to rehearse.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Simon, we need to talk,” Lillette is saying as soon as rehearsal is out, and Simon exhales a sigh. He wonders what he’s done to upset her. Everyone seems upset with him right now, but he knows why that is. He’s letting the team down; he can’t get through his scenes with Jeremy without missing a line, or messing up the song-- the one song, his one song that’s not just a solo in a group number, and he can’t even get it right.

He wants to blame Jeremy, but it’s not entirely Jeremy’s fault. Jeremy doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing to Simon. Though, to be honest, over the past couple days, it’s become increasingly obvious that Jeremy is more aware of what he’s doing to Simon than Simon had originally thought. And Simon just doesn’t know how to face that, how to face all of it. He has feelings for Jeremy--   
He desperately doesn’t want to have feelings for Jeremy.

And that’s not entirely true, either. He likes Jeremy-- Jeremy is a good guy. He’s nice, and he’s funny, and they have real chemistry together. Probably because they have real feelings for each other, but that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.

“Can it wait?” Simon asks as he grabs his bag from where he’d set it before rehearsal began. 

“No, it can’t,” Lillette answers, and he hears her shoes padding against the floor as she hurries to catch up with him. “What is going on with you and Jeremy?”

“Nothing is going on!” Simon replies instantly, looking around to make sure no one had heard that. Thankfully, the only person that’s still there is Michael, and Michael already kind of knows-- which isn’t a huge comfort, but Simon doesn’t want this to become a huge thing with the whole drama club. They gossip worse than anyone he’s ever met. 

“Something is going on,” Lillette argues, pushing the door of the auditorium open and leading the way outside. With a heavy sigh, Simon follows her. Whether he wants to or not, they’re going to be having this conversation. And he definitely doesn’t want to. “Jeremy likes you. He really likes you, and you… You kind of like him, too, that’s what’s got you so in your head anytime you’re within three feet of him. Simon, you are my best friend. You need to talk to me about this!”

“I can’t be gay!” 

It comes out a little louder than Simon intends it. Lillette looks a little stunned, and Simon just feels hopeless. 

“Simon--”

“No, Lillette. You know my dad. You know what it’s like. If I ever go home and tell him-- If I ever told any of them that I had feelings for a boy, I don’t know how they’d respond. But I do know that it wouldn’t be good. Being gay is a sin. Having feelings for another boy is a sin! I believe in God, I go to church, I love my family. I can’t disappoint them like that.”

“Simon, if your family is disappointed in you because you like a boy, maybe they’re the disappointments,” Lillette tells him firmly. 

Something all at once seems to just break, and Simon becomes dimly aware that there are tears on his cheeks. He wonders when he started crying; he wonders why it doesn’t feel like it matters all that much. Lillette’s arms wrap around his shoulders, and Simon lets her hug him, wrapping an arm around her waist. He feels like they haven’t been all that close this year, because of Robbie and Annabelle and St. Francis and Jeremy-- probably mostly Jeremy. It’s probably mostly Simon’s fault. The closeness now, the comfort it offers, it’s nice. He’s missed it.

“Come on,” Lillette murmurs, and Simon allows her to pull him to where his car is waiting in the parking lot. They don’t get in right away, instead leaning against the car, close enough that their sides are touching. Simon wipes his eyes, wiping the tears off of his cheeks and inhaling deeply. “Simon, can I offer you advice? As your best friend for ten years?”

“Sure,” Simon replies miserably, because he’s not entirely sure what advice she can give that’ll help him through this whole existential crisis thing that he’s going through. But he’s pretty sure that she’s going to give it to him anyway.

“You need to talk to someone about this. An adult, someone that you trust. You’re going through a lot, but that doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone. And I can’t relate, and maybe you don’t want to talk to Jeremy about it, or anyone in the theater group, but you can’t just keep it all bottled up. If this is how you feel, you need to be honest with yourself about it, and maybe the way to do that is to actually ask someone for help.”

Simon loves Lillette. 

He’s known that for years, but it clicks all at once. He loves Lillette because she understands, because she’s always there, and because when she pushes, she pushes him in the right ways. He doesn’t think he could ever ask for a better friend, and he definitely doesn’t tell her that enough.

“Maybe you’re right,” he replies, wiping his hand across his face again.

“Do this at your own pace,” Lillette reminds him, laying her head against his shoulder, and he wraps his arm around her, just to hold on to her for a moment. Lillette, at least, is one constant thing in his life.

“Thank you, Lillette.”


	5. Chapter 5

Simon gets to school early the next day. He doesn’t have to stop and pick Lillette up, because she’s getting a ride with Robbie, and he’d told Annabelle that he couldn’t pick her up because he had a family thing-- which was only partially a lie. Class doesn’t officially start for almost half an hour, but he knows that the person he needs to talk to will be here. It’s just the act of finding the bravery to actually have the conversation.   
It takes him almost a solid five minutes of arguing with himself before he manages to steel his nerves and knock on the door, pushing it open at the same time. “Ms. Wolfe?” he begins quietly, stepping into her office. She’s sitting at her desk, reading something, but she sets it aside when she sees that it’s him. “Can I talk to you about something? It’s kind of important.”

“Of course, Simon, come in.”

Simon walks inside and sits down at the chair across from her, fidgeting with the straps of his book bag. He’s been in this office more times than he can count throughout his time in high school. He likes it. It feels like a safe place, where he can just be, without any expectations. He doesn’t have that a lot in his home life. 

“I need some advice,” he starts, voice soft and a little hesitant.“It’s just that… I’ve known you for a couple years, and I trust you. You mean a lot to me, you know? I didn’t know who else to talk to--”

“Simon, is something wrong?” Ms. Wolfe interrupts carefully, before Simon can waste anymore time just rambling about it, instead of getting to the point.

Simon loves Ms. Wolfe. She’s his favorite teacher that he’s ever had. She’s also one of the few people that never fails to be there for her students, so he knows that when she’s asking him what’s wrong, she wants to know the answer. She wants to help. He doesn’t know many other adults like that. 

“Ms. Wolfe, I…” It’s a struggle, because he can’t force the words out. Part of him still doesn’t want to believe it, wants to fight it and deny it, hide it for as long as he possibly can. A smaller, more shadowed part knows that he can’t do that. For once in his life, he chooses to listen to that smaller, shadowed part. “I’m gay.”

The words hang in absolute silence for a long second. He’s worried that she’s going to judge him for it, that she’s going to hate and shun him, the way he’s worried his parents will, and for a second, it feels like he can’t breathe. What if this was a mistake, what if he shouldn’t have told anyone? 

“Oh, Simon…” And then her arms are around him, and she’s pulling him close. He’s not sure when exactly she moved around the desk, and he’s definitely not sure when he started crying, but he’s crying against her shoulder and clinging to her. Sometimes, he forgets that he doesn’t have to be as strong as he pretends to be. He’s a teenager; he hasn’t let himself just be a teenager in a long while. He’s suddenly reminded how terrifying being a teenager actually is. “Alright, it’s alright,” she continues, rubbing his back lightly. 

Simon can’t bring himself to say anything else. He’s not sure he could if he wanted to. Words won’t come. In fact, all he does for a few minutes is just cry into her shoulder, until he feels like he’s all cried out and has nothing more to give. And then he’s pulling away from her and wiping his eyes rapidly, embarrassed by his sudden meltdown. “I’m sorry--”

“Don’t be. I understand, Simon.” Ms. Wolfe sits on the edge of the desk in front of him, squeezing his shoulder gently. “What are you afraid of? Being gay, or the reaction other people will have to you being gay?”

“Both,” Simon admits softly, taking the tissue that she offers him. “My faith… and my family…. They think that being gay is a sin… They’ll think I’m an abomination, they’ll be disappointed in me, and I can’t do that to them, Ms. Wolfe, I don’t want to put them through that--”

“Let me tell you something. I never woke up and made a conscious decision to like men. Neither did you. It’s not something you chose, Simon, it’s the way you are, and that is not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you any less special, and if your God is as loving as he says he is, he’ll love you just as much, either way. You are not an abomination, and you aren’t putting them through anything.”

Another sob racks through Simon’s body. He hadn’t been aware of how much he’d just needed this, someone to tell him these things. He’s overwhelmed with emotion, but Ms. Wolfe doesn’t seem to mind. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I want to help you. I know how hard finding yourself can be. The real issue is your family, I’m guessing. Your father.”

“He wanted me to transfer schools just for playing a gay character in the musical,” Simon says, rushed, tripping over the words as he forces them out. “If he finds out I am gay, he’ll-- I don’t know what he’ll do, but I know it won’t be a good reaction. What if he-- What if it doesn’t go well, what if something bad happens? I don’t know how to tell him, Ms. Wolfe, I could barely even admit it to myself, and I--”

“Calm down,” Ms. Wolfe intercedes before Simon can work himself into another panic, squeezing his shoulder again. Simon hadn’t even realized how shallow his breathing had gotten, how rushed his words had become. “Take deep breaths, Simon, it’s okay to be scared. Everyone’s a little scared of how they feel sometimes, especially if it’s something new, something that they don’t understand. You don’t have to do this alone, and you can do it step by step, work your way up to a comfort level where you think you can talk to your father about this. And if you need me to, I’d be more than happy to be there for you when you talk to him about it.”

An overwhelming sense of relief floods through Simon’s body, and he wants to cry all over again, for a completely different reason this time. The idea of talking to his family about any of this is the most terrifying thing he could ever imagine; he doesn’t think they’ll react very well to his being gay-- he hasn’t reacted very well to his being gay. He still isn’t sure how he’ll ever be able to say it out loud to the people who have told him all his life that being gay was a bad thing. 

But the thought of not having to do it alone is comforting. The thought of having someone there who will care for him no matter what offers a sense of safety, and that makes the whole thing seem… not less terrifying, exactly, but maybe a little simpler. Maybe that’s the best first step. 

“Thank you, Ms. Wolfe.”

“You’re welcome, Simon. Anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“I won’t.” He stands up, wiping the last of the tears off of his face and grabbing his book bag from where he had set it by the legs of the chair. 

“Go on and get yourself cleaned up before class. I’ll see you at rehearsal.”

It’s something so small, to know that someone believes in you, and that someone has your back. And it doesn’t magically make all of Simon’s problems disappear. They’re still there, and he still has to figure out how to face them. But he knows that he’s not doing it alone.

That, in of itself, is more than he’d hoped for. And that makes it seem less daunting in the end. Maybe he’ll actually make it through this.


	6. Chapter 6

Jeremy finds himself talking to Robbie, Michael, and Sasha before rehearsal. They’re getting ready to do a full run of the show, starting with Mama, Who Bore Me, and going through the entire thing to get a feel, so the whole group is doing basic stretches as part of warm ups. Gwen is leading Lillette and Simon through vocal warm ups on the other side of the stage, and for the moment, everything feels like it could go well. Nothing has happened (yet) to make rehearsal feel tense.

Of course, as soon as Mr. Mazzu stands up, the tension starts. No one is really ready for a whole run through, but they don’t have time to keep pretending that things will just magically click.

“Alright, everyone, let’s get set for Mama, Who Bore Me, and we can go ahead and run the show.”

“Mr. Mazzu, can I say something first?” Simon pipes up, and Jeremy glances over, watching Lillette take his hand and squeeze it gently. That piques his interest immediately, and he finds himself sitting up just a little bit straighter.

“Subtle,” Michael mutters, and Jeremy elbows him lightly.

“Sure, Simon. The floor is yours.”

Simon moves from where he had been standing to stand in front of the stage, facing the cast. “This hasn’t exactly been easy for me to… come to terms with. And I promise, this is the last big announcement I’ll make like this. I’m not transferring schools or anything, this is just something I’ve been struggling with for a while, and I want to tell you guys personally. I need to know that you guys will support me. We’re kind of a family, right?”

“Kind of a dysfunctional one,” Gwen replies, “but yeah, a family. It’s better than what some of us have, so.”

“Thanks, Gwen. Um, so it’s taken a lot of talking with Jeremy and Lillette and Ms. Wolfe to be able to admit this, but… I’m gay.”  
Jeremy feels a little shell shocked, and Simon looks like he’s about to puke, but nobody else seems exactly surprised. Which, according to Michael, they’d probably all suspected it, anyway, but no one had ever expected him to be able to stand in front of them and admit it. It seems to be taking a lot out of him to do it; he’s pale, and there’s fear written in the planes of his body.

“Why wouldn’t we support you?” Robbie asks, the first one to respond. “It doesn’t really change anything, does it?” (In the moment, Jeremy decides he likes Robbie, too, despite his initial doubts about the quarterback.)

“My family always taught me that being gay was a sin, and it’s hard for me to shake that. I don’t know how to be honest about it, because it’s always been something that’s wrong. And it terrifies me,” Simon admits with a humorless laugh. “But some friends told me that the first step is to be honest with myself, and that’s what I’m trying to do. And the next step is to be honest with the people that I consider friends. I know it’s not as big as the things some of you are going through, but this is a very personal struggle for me, and I’m just trying to get somewhere that feeling this way doesn’t scare me so much.”

“Just because it may not seem as big as other things doesn’t make it any less of a struggle,” Jeremy says, and Simon’s eyes find him instantly. Jeremy wants to move closer, wants to wrap Simon up and hide him from the cruelness of the world that’s made him feel so scared to be who he is. “Anything you need to do to be comfortable with yourself, and anything you need us to do to help you come to terms with this, we want to help.”

“We are a family,” Annabelle adds, and that takes Jeremy off guard, too, because he’d expected her to be more upset about this. But from the look Simon gives her, they’ve already talked about this and ended whatever they had together. Annabelle looks a little upset, but not angry, and Jeremy is grateful that it seems to have ended peacefully between the two, and that she’s willing to still be there for him.

“Thank you,” Simon whispers, barely loud enough to hear. Lillette moves first, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close, and then Jeremy is following suit, creating a semi-awkward group hug between the three of them. 

“I’m proud of you,” Lillette murmurs, so quietly that Jeremy’s pretty sure only he and Simon hear her, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this is a moment that should stay between them. 

“Me, too,” Jeremy agrees softly, and Simon looks at him again. Their eyes meet for a moment, and Simon offers a very tentative smile, like he isn’t sure where the two of them stand. Jeremy isn’t sure, either, but they’ll figure it out.

“Can we talk? After rehearsal?” Simon asks.

“Of course.”

That’s the end of the moment though, because people are staring at them, and Mr. Mazzu clears his throat. So the trio awkwardly breaks the group hug and step back to face their director. “Alright, Mr. Mazzu,” Simon says with a soft laugh, dragging the back of his hand across his cheek. “Let’s run the show.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth, Simon. Let’s get to it!” he announces loudly, and there’s a small cheer that echoes the statement that ripples through the cast as they hurry to get into place for the opening number.

(When they get to the reprise of Word of Your Body, Simon doesn’t even hesitate when he leans into the kiss, and something in it just clicks. Jeremy isn’t sure he’s been happier than he is in that very moment. Maybe they’ll figure this out.)


	7. Chapter 7

“You stood in front of the cast tonight and you came out to them, and then you kissed me and you didn’t even shy away,” Jeremy begins once it’s just him and Simon alone in the dressing room. Simon grins slightly as he pulls his hoodie down over his stomach. “I’d call that progress.”

“It’s not easy,” Simon replies quietly, shrugging a shoulder. “I’m not going to lie and say that it suddenly all makes sense to me, and I’m not scared of it, because nothing makes sense right now, and I’m still terrified. But you were right. I have to be honest with myself, and I don’t have to go through it alone.”

“It was very brave,” Jeremy tells him, pushing the notebooks that had slipped out of his bag when he’d set it down earlier back into his bag. “I’m proud of you for having the courage to do that. I definitely didn’t when I first started to realize that I’m gay. I lied about it for months. Sometimes I still don’t think I have that kind of courage. It inspires me.”

“If you’re trying to get me to like you, you don’t have to resort to flattery,” Simon points out, causing Jeremy to roll his eyes, though they’re both smiling. “Um, I do want to say… I’m not sure that I’m ready for a… relationship with a boy-- with you. I l-- I like you. But I don’t want to jump into everything all at once. That’s more than I think I could handle right now--”

Jeremy takes a step closer to him, holding up a hand to silence him. “I get that. You don’t have to explain it to me. How about we just… take this one step at a time? We can get dinner after rehearsal tomorrow, or Saturday, or whatever you want and just… talk. No pressure, no expectations.”

Simon pulls his book bag over his shoulder and nods slightly, the soft, shy smile reforming on his lips. “Okay. I won’t run away this time.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

“I have to get going,” Simon says, moving towards the door, and Jeremy doesn’t make any move to stop him. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jeremy.”

“Goodnight, Simon.”

~~  
They get dinner after rehearsal the next night, which is made only slightly more embarrassing by the fact that Lillette is their waitress for the evening. It’s one of the few nights that she has an evening shift instead of an afternoon one, and she has a knowing grin on her face when Jeremy and Simon sit down at one of the tables in her section.

“She’s never going to let me live this down,” Simon informs Jeremy, who grins faintly.

“You chose the location for dinner tonight, I think you probably should have expected that,” he replies, opening the menu that Lillette had handed him. “At least I know she kind of likes me enough to not threaten me for…”

“For… taking me on a… date?” Simon clarifies softly, and Jeremy glances up.

“Is that what this is?”

“Yeah, I think it is,” Simon answers, and Jeremy smiles fully. He hadn’t expected that, but he’s happy that Simon agrees. 

“Do you guys know what you want?” Lillette asks as she approaches the table, and it looks like she’s barely holding back a smile. Simon gives her a pointed look, and she just grins, smugly. “Aside from each other,” she adds, which makes Simon choke on air, and Jeremy laugh.

“Lillette--”

“I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, and a Dr. Pepper,” Jeremy cuts in before Simon can voice the threat that’s clearly on the tip of his tongue. “Simon?”

“I’ll have the same.”

Lillette jots the order down on her notepad and picks up their menus. “I’ll be right back with the drinks.”

“I’m sorry about her,” Simon says when Lillette has walked away. “She’s my best friend, I think she’s just… I don’t know.”

“No need to apologize for her. I think it’s kinda cute that she cares about you that much,” Jeremy replies, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t have anyone that I’m really that close to. I didn’t have a lot of friends before I joined the troupe, and I think it’s nice that you have someone in your life you can be that close to.”

“Yeah,” Simon agrees with a laugh. “Lillette and my sister. The two people in my life I think will love me no matter what I do.”

“Tell me about your sister.”

They talk, and they eat for almost two hours, uninterrupted sans a few comments from Lillette about how adorable they are. Simon turns red every time, but Jeremy just smiles. He likes knowing that she supports the idea of them together; he doesn’t think he’d be okay with Simon’s best friend not liking him. They talk about Simon’s family, and Jeremy’s, they talk about the show, they talk about future plans. And it feels simple, natural, now that neither of them is pushing or running or hiding. After they finish eating, they sit for a while longer and continue to talk, until it gets late enough that they decide they should probably get home.

Simon drives Jeremy home, and they sit in the driveway in silence for a moment before Jeremy gets out of the car. “Thank you for tonight,” he tells Simon. “It was a lot of fun to just… talk to you and get to know more about you.”

“Where does that fall on your list of first dates?” Simon asks.

“Well, you don’t have a whole lot to compete with, but it’s still number one. I’m glad you didn’t run away.”

Simon falls silent for a moment, and then he nods. “Yeah, so am I.” He hesitates, Jeremy can see the hesitance in the planes of his body, and then Simon is leaning across the center console to kiss Jeremy softly. Jeremy kisses back just as lightly, not wanting to push past Simon’s comfort zone. In the moment, in doesn’t matter, anyway. Just a kiss is enough.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Simon,” Jeremy says when they part, and Simon nods.

“Goodnight.”


	8. Chapter 8

They open the show on Friday night, and the whole day is entirely nerve-wracking. School itself doesn’t change at all, but they’re all faced with the knowledge that they will be opening a show in front of almost the entire school in less than twelve hours, and it’s crazy.

Mr. Mazzu calls them together backstage fifteen minutes before curtain. Ms. Wolfe is with him, and the whole cast is in costume and stage makeup, ready and excited. The tension and nerves in the air are thick enough that they’re almost tangible, but Simon can’t remember a night in his life that he’s ever been so excited. He’s ready to do this-- terrified, but ready. Even if that means that he will be kissing another boy (one that he likes very much), in front of an audience, in something close to an hour and a half. 

“Are we ready, guys?” Mr. Mazzu begins, and there’s a nervous rumble through the cast in response. “A little scared? Yeah, I am, too. We pushed a lot of boundaries to make this happen tonight, and everyone here stepped out of their comfort zones. And there’s no telling how this will go tonight, and how those people are going to react to it. But we’ve accomplished something amazing with this show.”

“You’ve done something great just by getting this cast together,” Simon points out. “I mean, we’ve got QB1 as our lead.” Robbie laughs quietly, and Simon grins. “Last year, Gwen and I were the only people who were this invested in the theater department, and now we’ve got a whole troupe together. So even if, at first, none of us agreed with or even wanted to be part of Spring Awakening, I do have to say… It ended up being a good choice, Mr. Mazzu. It’s helped me a lot.”

“It’s helped me, too,” Robbie adds. “To learn what’s important.”

“Can we all agree that this was a good choice for all of us and stop with the emotional speeches?” Gwen mutters. “Because the show starts in like ten minutes, and we should probably be getting ready to kill it.”

“Thanks for that, Gwen,” Mr. Mazzu replies, over the chuckles from the rest of the cast. “But you are right. So let’s get out there and get ready to blow that audience away.”

The cast answers with a cheer, and then they’re getting set for first positions.

And they kill it. Simon won’t lie and say that he had no nervousness for the first time performing Word of Your Body in front of an actual audience, because during Totally Fucked (which leads into Word Of Your Body), he definitely almost pukes and runs off stage, but he powers his way through it. And about ninety percent of his powering his way through it is looking over and seeing Jeremy there, and seeing Lillette and Robbie, and Michael, and the whole cast, and knowing how hard they’ve all worked on this show.

And Word of Your Body goes seamlessly. Sure, there’s a definite reaction from the crowd about the gay kiss, but they’ve already sat through a very heterosexual sex scene at this point, so Simon doesn’t really care what they think about the simple gay kiss. He, at least, enjoys it, and he thinks that he and Jeremy did well.

By the end of the show, all of Simon’s fear for what people might say, for what the audience might think, are gone. He’s riding a high of actually going out onto the stage and pulling it off, and he feels good about their performance. He stands beside Jeremy as they take their bows, and there’s a rush of pride that pulses through him. They did it. They made it through without anyone messing anything up, and it was good.

Off stage, everything is a blur. They don’t get out of costume, because they’re ushered straight out to talk to the audience and to give hugs and all of that. Simon finds Lillette as soon as he possibly can, and hugs her so tightly that he thinks she might suffocate, but he can’t help it.

“You did amazing!” he tells her, and she laughs, squeezing him tighter.

“So did you! That was so good!”

Robbie and Michael find them next, and there’s more hugging and a lot of talking and congratulations, but Simon stops listening pretty quickly, because the only other person he wants to congratulate seems to have disappeared. Jeremy finds him first, and then they’re hugging, too.

“You stole the show tonight,” Jeremy tells him as he pulls away from the hug. “It was amazing. I’m so proud to be your scene partner.”

“Stop, you’re going to make me blush,” Simon replies, but he throws his arms around Jeremy to hug him again. He can’t help it. He’s smiling so much that his jaw is starting to hurt, and he just feels happy. Opening night has never been this great to him, and he doesn’t know what the difference is. It was just good.

“Um, I think there’s someone who wants to talk to you,” Jeremy mumbles, gently pulling out of Simon’s arms and nodding over his shoulder. Confused, Simon turns, unsure what Jeremy’s talking about, but it doesn’t take him long to figure it out.

“Mom? I thought you and Dad were like, boycotting Spring Awakening. You saw the show?”

His mother pushes through the crowd of people until they’re standing much closer. She looks pale and tired, and Simon feels immensely guilty, but he’s not sure why. It’s not his fault. “I’ve never missed one of your shows, Simon.”

“You both made it very clear that you don’t approve of this one.”

The high of opening night is starting to fade, replaced with a certain tension and guilt and fear. He loves his mother, but he doesn’t want to hear her complain about this show, about how it’s not appropriate and how he’s probably going to Hell for doing it. He’s aware of Jeremy, still standing very close, and then Lillette and Ms. Wolfe and Robbie, too, and he draws comfort from that. They’ll support him, no matter what his mother thinks.

“I don’t… approve of the content of the show,” his mother agrees hesitantly. “But you were very, very good, Simon. You always are. The show was wonderful. This is your scene partner?” She glances at Jeremy, who steps forward just a little.

“Jeremy Travers, ma’am,” he replies, holding out a hand, and she shakes it, tentatively.

“Can I ask you boys a question?”

Simon has a bad feeling about that. There’s no way that the question can be good. His stomach is twisting, and he feels mildly like he’s going to throw up. “Yes.”

“Do you… have feelings for each other?”

Simon’s world stops. If he lies, she’ll know. If he doesn’t, and he tells her that he’s gay, that he has very strong feelings for Jeremy, she’ll be upset. There’s no easy answer, and he wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t ready to talk to his parents about this. He’s barely accepted it himself; he knows that they won’t accept it, and he hasn’t reached a comfort level where he thinks that he can talk about this. Not with her, not with either of his parents.

“Mrs. Saunders, I don’t think--” Simon hears Robbie begin, but his voice sounds hollow and distant, like it’s coming from the end of a very long tunnel.

“Yes,” Simon interrupts. He doesn’t remember giving his mouth permission to say it, but then it’s out, and he can’t take it back. So he takes a deep breath, steadies himself, and repeats, “Yes, Mom. I… have feelings for Jeremy. I’m… I’m gay. And I know that that’s a sin, I know that you probably hate me, but that’s who I am, Mom, and I can’t change it. Honestly, I wouldn’t if I could. I’m sorry if you can’t accept--”

His voice cuts off abruptly when his mother wraps her arms around him. He thinks she’s crying. He thinks he’s crying. He doesn’t know, everything seems to be a blur. “Straight or gay,” she tells him, and her voice is shaky, “you are still my son, and I love you just as much as I always have.” She pulls back and cups his cheek, offering a hesitant smile, and Simon stares at her, stunned into silence. “Do I love the idea of it? No. But it doesn’t change anything, Simon. You are my son.”

Simon releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and hugs his mother as tightly as he can. He doesn’t say anything. He hopes that his hug says it all. He had never, ever even hoped that his mother could accept him like this, and that makes what’s already been a great night even better. And he glances over at Jeremy, who is smiling at him hopefully, and for once, everything just seems to click into place.

Maybe, maybe things will be okay. For the first time, Simon has hope.


	9. Chapter 9

Saturday starts out pretty typically for Simon. He has breakfast with his family, says grace, and works on a little bit of his homework, but throughout that, his mind is somewhere else. He’s thinking about Jeremy, and not just about Jeremy, but everything. Opening night, and how things went with his mom the night before. That she accepts him is more than he had ever dared to hope for. He still isn’t sure about his dad, and he still doesn’t know how coming out to him is going to go, but he is sure about something else-- He’s sure about Jeremy. 

“Can I go out for a while?” he asks, for once making a choice without thinking about the consequences. He’s aware of said consequences, but he’s not letting them guide him anymore-- he knows what he wants, and he’s doing his best not to run away from that anymore. The more he thinks about it, the more he wants to run away from it. 

His religion, everything that his religion says about this, hangs over his head and twists in his gut. It makes him feel sick and guilty, and he doesn’t like that. It’s worse the longer he’s in the same room as his father, and he thinks he needs to get away from it for a while. Jeremy is one of the best escapes he can consider. 

“Be back before dinner,” is his father’s response, and then Simon is in his car and driving down streets he’s unfamiliar with, the sun blinding him through his windshield. He’s never been to Jeremy’s house; he’s never had reason to be to Jeremy’s house. He wonders if he should have texted first, made sure Jeremy was actually there and not busy, but he hadn’t stopped long enough to consider that. 

Simon parks in the driveway of a small, relatively plain one story white house, behind the car that’s already there, that he recognizes as the one Jeremy drives to school sometimes. He takes a deep breath and gets out of his own car and walks up the short sidewalk to the front door, knocking lightly. 

There’s no response for a moment, and then he hears, from inside, Jeremy’s voice-- “Got it, Dad.” And the door creaks open, and Jeremy is standing there in the doorway in front of him. He looks confused for a split second, and then a small, soft smile turns up the corners of his lips. “Hey, Simon.”

“Hey. I know I should have called first or something, but I didn’t want to be at home, and--”

“No, it’s okay. I get it, you can come in.” Jeremy stands back from the door to let Simon in, and Simon smiles, stepping inside and glancing around. It’s small, fairly plain, not a lot of pictures or anything that Simon can see. There’s a faded dark green couch and a TV, and a man, who Simon assumes is Jeremy's dad, is sitting on said couch with what sounds like football playing on the TV. He looks like Jeremy, only older and broader.

“Who’s this?” the man asks.

“Simon Saunders,” Jeremy answers before Simon can. “He plays Hanschen in the show. And he’s great.”

“It’s nice to meet you, sir,” Simon says politely, though there’s something about the knowing look in the man’s eyes that he wants to shy away from. 

“No, none of that sir crap,” Mr. Travers responds, waving a hand dismissively. “My name is Dan, feel free to use it.” He turns his attention back to his son, and his lips tilt into a smirk. “So this is the one you told me about.”

“You talked about me?” Simon asks, looking at Jeremy. He notices that Jeremy’s cheeks and neck have gone red, and he can’t help but grin.

“Yeah, I did. Dad, I’m going to my room, and I’m taking Simon with me. Please stop trying to ruin my love life.” He starts to walk through the living room, to the doorway just behind the couch, and he punches his father’s shoulder lightly as he and Simon past. Simon offers a tentative smile before he follows along, down the hallway to Jeremy’s room.

Jeremy’s room is relatively plain, too, and cluttered, but not messy. It looks lived in. Comfortable in a way Simon isn’t used to.

“You and your dad seem close,” Simon points out as he sits tentatively on the edge of Jeremy’s bed, and Jeremy shrugs, sitting with him.

“Yeah, we didn’t used to be. He was married to this woman who was a real bitch, and I hated her. He knew it. She put a lot of distance between us, but they split, and we’re working on it. He’s okay with this, you know? With you and me. We’ve talked about it.”

“It feels… lighter here,” Simon points out, shifting so he can lean back against the wall. Jeremy moves farther onto the bed and folds his legs underneath himself, shrugging a shoulder.

“Maybe for some things. Not so much for others. No family is perfect, but my dad isn’t going to judge you for being gay. He accepted me just fine, and he knows that I like you. As soon as you leave, he’s going to poke fun at me for having a boyfriend.” It takes Jeremy less than half a second to realize what he’s said, and then he’s backtracking, Simon can see the awareness on his face. “Not that that’s-- I know you said one step at a time and everything, I’m not trying to--”

“Jeremy, it’s okay. I want…” Simon swallows, thinking it over for just a second. Does the idea of it make him nervous? Yes, definitely, but he likes Jeremy. He really likes Jeremy, and his mom being okay with that makes the whole thing feel just a little less terrifying. “I want that. To be your boyfriend.”

“Oh--” And really, it’s worth the nerves when Jeremy smiles like that and Simon’s heart flutters a little in response. “Yeah, I want that, too,” he agrees. And they lapse into comfortable silence for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company for the moment. Jeremy moves to lean against the wall beside Simon, their legs brushing. Simon’s enjoying how easy it feels to just exist in the moment, with no expectations of who he has to be and who he has to please, and then Jeremy pipes up again, “I meant to ask you… Is everything good with you and Annabelle?”

“Oh,” Simon laughs quietly, shrugging a shoulder absently. The motion makes his arm brush against Jeremy’s and there’s just a little thrill of that same fluttery thing that his heart had just done. “Yeah, it’s okay. She was a little bummed, but she tried to make a joke out of it. Saying that it makes sense why I wasn’t so into it when we…”

“Wait, did you two… have sex?” Jeremy asks. Something has changed in his voice, and Simon can’t quite clarify what that something is. There’s a sudden tension in his body, and likewise, in the air between them.

“I-- Does that matter?” Simon replies carefully, feeling suddenly ashamed for a reason he can’t identify.

“Yeah, it kind of does, actually,” Jeremy remarks, shifting away from Simon. Simon frowns, opening his mouth to say something, but Jeremy is still speaking. “That’s… really kind of selfish of you, Simon.” He stands up, pushing a hand through his hair.

“What are you talking about?” 

“I mean, you were never actually sexually interested in her, but you had sex with her anyway? To what? To prove you weren’t gay? I mean… I get, hiding that you’re gay, I get that you were told it’s a sin, but isn’t premarital sex a sin, too? And it wasn’t really fair to her, because you were doing it for the wrong reasons--”

“Why are you so upset about this?” Simon demands, sitting up straighter. 

“Because I don’t want to think that the guy I fell for is selfish enough to take something so special and so important, and to use it like that,” Jeremy responds. His voice is still quiet, but the usual calm that Simon has come to expect from him isn’t there. He seems… angry. “Sex isn’t something you should have just to prove a point; you used Annabelle, Simon, and you used sex as a way to hide. And that’s not… okay to me.”

Simon’s mouth opens. He wants to respond, but he can’t formulate a sentence. He hadn’t expected Jeremy to get so angry about this. And it occurs to him all at once that he’s not exactly wrong. Simon’s actions had been selfish, and he hadn’t thought them through all the way. Just being scared about his sexuality hadn’t been a great excuse, no matter how hard he’d tried to justify it to himself later on. Guilt twists in his stomach, and he feels like he’s going to throw up. He shuts his mouth again and looks past Jeremy to stare at the wall.

“I should go,” he finally breathes. He stands up and moves towards the door, hesitating when he reaches it. He wants Jeremy to stop him; the relationship has barely started, and it feels like it’s ending already. He waits for half a second to see if Jeremy’s going to tell him to stay, but Jeremy doesn’t say a word. So Simon leaves.

He doesn’t even get halfway to Lillette’s-- because that’s where he always goes when he needs someone-- before he has to pull to the side of the road, and then he actually does throw up. Everything feels like it’s collapsing, just as things had started to make sense. He’d sort of come to terms with being gay, with what that meant, he’d started to become confident in himself again, in making his sexuality work with his religion, and he’d failed to realize that his sexuality wasn’t what was betraying his religion, anyway. 

He collapses back against the driver’s seat, wiping his mouth with a shaking hand. He feels guilty, and lost, and alone, for so many reasons, and he can’t quite place all of them. So he pulls his car back onto the road, and he continues to drive. Lillette may not have the answers, but she’ll always be there for him.


End file.
